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Maria Murphy's Discussions
May Tutor/ Mentor Tips - Mentor Rap?
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Started this discussion. Last reply by Daniel Bassill May. 2, 2008.
Maria Murphy's Page
Profile Information
- Hometown:
- Amelia Island, Fl - formerly from Chicago
- About Me:
- After practicing as a psychotherapist for over 15 years, I have transitioned to writing and consulting/coaching. I want to take what I have learned as a therapist and share it in different and more far reaching ways. My interests include diversity, literacy and women's issues. I write a montly coaching column for tutors on ning with a focus on the psychology of learning. My goal is to get this information to as many communities as possible.
- Website:
- http://www.simplyputtogether.com
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I love what you are doing for tutors. I too believe in the power of "lay people" to influence learning.
Enjoy!
Maria
Mentor Censor
By Maria Murphy
We are there to help these kids, right? So, it is natural that we have to talk about their progress, their milestones and their barriers. True. Very true. But how we talk about our kids is very important. Sometimes we (this means me) forget about something important.
Privacy.
You know what I am talking about here. Little Jonny is standing next to you and the teacher is telling you how he was acting out in class and you are nodding and then you add that he was struggling to pay attention last week when you were together. Of course, neither of you notice the other student walking by or the kids seated at their desks with their ears subtly pointed in your direction.
Well, I have been there. Been there with my students and with my own children. It’s not easy to censor ourselves when it comes to kids. We want to help them, this is true, but we can forget their own need for privacy and dignity. Yet, let’s face it; each and every one of us remembers what it felt like when adults did it to us. We aren’t being malicious, just a bit thoughtless, really.
What to do?
Here are a couple of tools to help you protect your student’s privacy and dignity.
• Consider who is in earshot whenever discussing your student.
• Consider if the information being shared is appropriate for the student to hear.
• Always have an alternative location in mind for chatting. If someone approaches you about your student, guide them to the private area.
• Have an exit plan. If someone is talking about your student or another inappropriately, have a way out. “I was just running to catch someone. I’ll speak with you later.”
• Assert yourself. “This isn’t the right spot to talk.”
• Speak openly to others about the need to reinforce confidentiality.
Sometimes we mentors just need to remind ourselves to censor our well meaning dialogue about the students we care so much about. See what happens when you develop a mindset of censoring and only discuss your student in an environment that affords privacy and dignity.
Have a great month and believe in the power of your every contribution!
By Maria Murphy
One of the scariest things we see these days is the lack of personal accountability in the world. The now common phrase, “not my job” has become a deeply rooted cultural dynamic. How does that impact and shape today’s youth? Well, we can’t say it’s a good thing. Every day, we see how lack of accountability weakens the foundation of our cultural strength. How can a mentor help their student be different? Take a look for some ideas.
Accountability = Power
Lack of accountability is nothing more than thinly veiled apathy and helplessness. Accountability, on the other hand, is closely linked to a sense of empowerment and personal control. When someone takes accountability that person is not afraid to "own" their responsibilities. When we teach kids to be accountable, we teach them to harness their own sense of power. This promotes personal wellbeing, improves mood and helps both individuals and the community as a whole.
Do as I Do
As mentors, we have the ability to influence the kids we help. To teach accountability, we must live it. This is simple. Use whatever opportunity you have to demonstrate your accountability. “I promised I would be here today and I am accountable for that.” “It is my job to help you with math and I can’t answer that question. Its my responsibility to learn how to do it and show you next time we meet.” Using the term, interpreting it, and practicing it with your student is the surest way to teach them accountability.
Shape an expectation
There is a saying that kids will give you what you expect of them. What happens when you begin to “shape” your student toward accountability? Shaping is not dramatic change. Rather, a slow evolution. Remember, with that accountability comes a personal sense of power, one of the best gifts we can give to our kids. What happens when you begin to shape your student toward accountability? Here is an example. “You are accountable to bring your reading. That is what I expect of you.” You begin to move your student away from excuses and patterns of helplessness and toward empowerment and accountability. Slowly work your student in the direction of being more accountable. This is merely making them aware of the terminology, letting them know what you expect and encouraging any signs of accountability you see in your student. If you look carefully enough, you will see plenty! Remember, the fact that they are meeting with you is an enormous example of being accountable.
Consider your own power as a mentor to impact and shape the skills of your students. Accountability is an achievable goal when you acknowledge it, practice it and encourage and expect it in your student.
Good luck and remember the power of your every contribution!
Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for Tutor/ Mentor Connection and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other articles can be found on her mentoring blog, http://www.mentoringsimplyput.blogspot.com or her blog column at http://www.simplypputtogether.com.
By Maria Murphy
In mentoring, it is so important to be caring and consistent and kind. But what happens when your student is running the show? What happens when your student is oppositional or boundary-less? How do we help our kids when they don’t understand boundaries like the rest of us? This is not an easy task. Anytime we have to balance between two behaviors we are going to be challenged. Keeping warmth and rapport going while we are keeping our kids working and cooperative is tricky at best.
Why should we set limits and stand up to our students? Well, for starters, most of us don’t do very well when we don’t play by life’s rules. And cooperation with and respect for others is one of those rules most of us need to make things work. So, teaching our students the ropes just makes sense. Not to mention, if we don’t have our mentoring relationship under “control,” we can limit how much we are helping our students.
Here are some simple ways to help you keep your student on track when you need.
1. Prevention. One of the best disciplinary tools is prevention. The best way you can prevent things from getting out of control with your student is to know them and to be alert to what is happening. Every parent knows what I mean. A fight might be brewing between siblings. Knowing your child’s triggers and the signs that things are falling apart can prevent a complete meltdown. Same in mentoring. Is your student “off” today? Is he or she getting riled up while you are talking with another adult? Know your student and pay attention to the surroundings. So many issues can be alleviated before they start if we pay attention.
2. The magic word. “I” is the magic word. In communication, we know that saying, “you, you , you” just turns people off. Same with kids. When you speak to your student using “I” statements, you open them up a bit. Saying “I need you to pay attention now” just works better than saying “You need to listen.” Try it. It works like magic.
3. Eye contact. Yes or no? This is a great question and my answer is both. Sometimes you just have to look a kid in the eyes and say it. But other times, when it feels like a power struggle, saying “I need you to….” and then averting your eyes in the assumption the child is carrying out the task works in avoiding a power struggle. Use your judgment based on your student and the situation.
4. Body language. Show you are serious. Keep your body pointed to your student and make them aware you are attending to them. I prefer arms open to the classic arms folded across chest. Turning toward your student shows them two things. You are paying attention, caring enough about them and that you mean business.
Try these simple tools for keeping your student on track. Do you have issues or concerns with your student? Email me here and I can respond to your questions!
Have a great week and remember the power of your every contribution! For more info on mentoring, check out my new blog, http//mentoringsimplyput.blogspot.com.
Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for Tutor/ Mentor Connection and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other articles can be found on her blog column at http//www.simplypputtogether.blogspot.com.
This weekend I was explaining to my daughter the concept of a compass and how it works. But she was really struggling to understand. I gave her the example of, “If I want to find my house….” And she said, but HOW does the compass know where your house is? Silly me. I had left out the most important part of the explanation. I had left out the fact that the compass was a tool that could take me to my house, not just to my house, but east to my house. Now she got it. In order for the compass to help, we had to know not just where we wanted to go, but the direction we wanted to take to get there. The compass is nothing more than a tool we use to help us get where we want to go.
Well, that got me to thinking. As mentors, we have so many tools and can always learn more to help us help our kids. But where do we want to go with our kids and where do they want to go? I mean, our tools can point us, but how far can we take it without knowing where we want to go? Dan Bassill speaks of the importance of kids having goals that take them into their twenties. I certainly have worked with enough kids that didn’t expect to live that long. Yet, when we start to talk with kids about long term goals, we begin to open up the door to the possibility of having a future, a future they can create.
How do we do this? One way we teach our kids to look to the future is to live by example. When appropriate, share stories of your goals, both past and present. Children and teens can be inspired by our dreams and our stories of triumph. Not all of my stories are winners, I admit. But my lesson? It is better to try and know if something will work than to never try at all. Our kids can reap the benefit our stories.
Another strategy is to break in to your student’s mindset and start to teach them the process of looking toward where they want to go. When I was a kid, I heard a million times, from relatives, teachers, family friends, “Maria, what do you want to be when you grow up?” “Maria, which college will you go to?” Growing up not too far from West Point Military Academy, I had an uncle that would always tease, “So, Maria, when are you applying to West Point?” Now military school was not for me……but oh, the power of those words. West Point? Well, yes I could do that. College? Of course. It was a matter of fact. Not all those people were family. I had some teachers in my life that stared me down and told me to work hard and let me know what they could see for me in my future. That miss-matched group of people, from people who told me to learn from their mistakes, to people who were scholars, to religious leaders; I give each and every one of them a bit of credit for my success. Their challenge to me, to look in the distance to where I wanted to go, allowed me to pick up that compass and start moving.
In the days to come, look at your relationship with your student and reach out to them. Make their future part of your ongoing discussions. Like me, your student may someday carry your words with them as they pick up their own compass and journey to their future.
Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for Tutor/Mentor Connection and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other mentoring articles can be found on her new blog at Mentoring Simply Put.
This book can be used for fundraising for non-profit agencies via the Associates Program.
For Immediate Release
A woman on a mission: Changing the world one yearly planner at a time
As a psychotherapist and facilitator, Maria Murphy has listened, guided and gently prodded 100’s of individuals who sought change …both in their personal and working lives.
After 15 years she decided to put her philosophy for change to paper. For her, the answer was not writing a self-help book. Too many of her patients had those on the coffee stand unread. Instead, she took an unlikely vehicle of change. A journal/planner called Simply Put Together. What better way to actually read a self-help book than to incorporate it into something a busy person uses every day? Plus, in these difficult economic times, buying one book that is a planner, organizer and enrichment book all in one is both inspirational and a smart buy. It’s heavy on function, self-reflection and Maria’s 5 minute tips and exercises that result in desired long term changes. It’s based on Maria’s 7 Steps of Simplicity, steps she believes are critical for personal and working fulfillment.
There’s one more change Maria is seeking and that’s to sell more books non-traditionally. She sells through her web site at www.simplyputtogether.com, in book and gift stores. But this year she has initiated a work at home associate program that involves individuals who run their own cottage businesses. “It’s a great empowerment tool and I like the idea of sharing profit’s with people selling my product, instead of anonymous wholesalers. I like that I am publishing right here in the US, instead of printing out of the country. It’s just one way to make a difference.” Doing something different that feels right is one thing that rejuvenates the spirit and gives us balance.
For more information on purchasing, the Associates Program or signing up for her unique 60 second weekly e-letter, go to www.simplyputtogether.com. To reach her by phone, 708.574.1201.
The Study Hygiene Replay
By Maria Murphy
Whenever I teach a class on sleep, we talk about “sleep hygiene,” or the habits we can create to prevent sleep disturbances. One of the things we know about human behavior is that we learn from repetition. Habits, good and bad, can change our lives. The same goes for the kids we are working with. A few key Study Hygiene habits can help our students really thrive now and in years to come.
Before I get into these easy to remember habits, one thing all tutors should remind themselves is the incredible power of repetition. If we decide to campaign with our students and share these habits with them every week, we will begin to make inroads. Most of us can recollect the 10 million times we were told by our own parents to, “do your homework,” “put your laundry away,”etc. Learning is usually not a switch, but a slow process and one of the jobs of parents and mentors is to stick with it till it’s stuck with our kids.
Replay
The Replay is a simple tool in which you repeat things over and over. It is so important for kids to learn what “study hygiene” means. And the best way for them to learn is to have the people who care about them replaying it over and over for them. I recommend you go over “study hygiene” with your student every week, until the eye rolling becomes unbearable and they can replay all the facts to you before you can get your words out. Okay, that said, here are the key study hygiene habits.
Breakfast
Studies have pointed out repeatedly the impact of breakfast on student performance and testing. Remind your student to have breakfast and the importance of protein. A glass of milk in the morning is associated with higher test scores with students. (Don’t forget to check for food restrictions or allergies, though.) Regardless, a bucket of sugar is not the goal here. Most kids that don’t have breakfast available at home have access through the school system.
After school snack coupled with homework
This is two hygiene tips in one. Most kids are hungry after school and a bit depleted. A healthy snack will give another energy boost. Do homework after school! Retention is best the quicker we revisit something. Kids can have a snack (this is a great time to add in a second glass of milk) and knock off homework while it is fresh. This is pragmatically good hygiene because energy fades as the day goes on and it’s also emotionally good study hygiene. Instead of homework “hovering” over a child’s head, they are free for the rest of the night. Never underestimate the power of finished tasks on the confidence and emotional strength of your student!
Sleep
Getting enough sleep makes us all function better. When you encourage your student to get to bed on time, you are planting seeds for them to build better habits.
Try it. Replay the 3 Study Hygiene habits for your student. Remind them week after week. Let them complain and whine and then tell them that you care and that is why you keep saying it. Use that minute or so of time to educate and encourage your student to make their way to a decent breakfast or an earlier night or homework after school. Remember the power of your every contribution!
Please feel free to go to http://tutormentorconnection.com to discuss this article.
Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for this site and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other mentoring articles can be found on her blog column at http://www.simplyputtogether.com .
By Maria Murphy
“Promise little and do much.” Hebrew Proverb
I have to say, when I read this quote; I had to laugh at myself, at how easy it is to break a promise. It seems so hard to keep to my word. I mean well when I make a promise, but it is easy to let it fall to the wayside. Promises are much easier made than kept. But, all joking aside, what happens when we break a promise to a child?
There is nothing like a kept promise to build a relationship with our students, or a broken one to chip away at it. The number one rule of mentoring is to keep your promises, yet, it is so easy to break them. Why does that happen and how can we make it different?
The worst offender here is over-committing. Sometimes we over-commit because we don’t know how to say no, or we want to please or win over our student, or we just aren’t thinking about the reality of the obligation.
The consequences of over-promising are not pleasant. It feels like we are left with either letting someone down by failing to keep our commitment or stuck with the sense of frustration, pressure and angst we feel when we have to carry out those promises we wish we never made in the first place! This is definitely a no-win situation. But, what to do?
The key here is to learn to promise less. The benefits to ourselves and the kids we work with are endless, from increasing trust to reducing the pressure we feel after over-promising.
Try these simple tools to make keeping promises work for you and your student!
Assess
Assess your Achilles ‘heel. Know the places, people and situations where you tend to over promise. This includes pressure you may give yourself. Be aware of your own triggers. Are you prone to say yes every time someone asks you to give more? Know it!
Assess the situation. Ask yourself these important questions: Do I know what this entails? Am I able to do this? Do I want to do this? Will I do this? (And be honest!)
Act
Buy time. If you aren’t sure, buy yourself time. Use one of the following statements. "I will let you know next week during our study time." (This gives you time to prevent impulsively saying yes.) One simple line will allow you to take the time you need.
Know how to say “no.” If saying “no” is the right thing, then that’s what you should say. It’s okay to refuse. You’d be surprised how many kids will respect a confident “no.” For example, “I am sorry. I wish I could see you twice this week, but I can’t.”
Remember, promising less allows us to do more! Have a wonderful month and remember the value in your every contribution!
Please feel free to go to http://tutormentorconnection.com to discuss this article.
Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for this site and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other mentoring articles can be found on her blog column at http://www.simplyputtogether.com .
Slow Dowwwwwnn……..
Maria Murphy
Hi everyone! Here is my August Mentor Tip. Enjoy and pass it on. Got a tip or tool that works with the kids you are helping? Share it here!
One of the best gifts we can give the kids we are working with is teaching impulse control. Allow me to explain. Just the other day, I was watching an old episode of Family Feud. Yes, it is still on and please don’t ask why I was watching. But here’s the thing. This family member shouted out the answer before the question was finished. Sadly, she gave the wrong answer because she didn’t hear the whole question. The other team got the chance to have their turn and took the victory.
What do teachers complain about with their students? Issues like racing through tests, not reading the question correctly or even not checking work are high on the list. But what’s a mentor to do?
Let’s think about this. Slow down. Listen to the problem. Take your time to deal with it. Check your work. Forget algebra! That sounds like a good idea in any situation. Here is a quick and easy tool to help you help your student get there!
SLOW
S – Stop. Stop and recognize that you need to pay attention to the problem at hand.
L – Listen. Listen to the problem. Read or look at it carefully and figure out what it is asking you.
O- Options. What are your options? Pick the best choice. Always remember to cross off the crazy choices right away. They are not worth your energy!
W- Workwise. Be wise about your work. Always check your work for any errors or misunderstandings.
We can teach our kids these tools as we work side-by-side with them. We can teach them by example, by talking them through SLOW or even writing it down. If we can get our kids to grab onto these tools, they will have great strategies to use in the classroom, with homework and with life decisions.
Have fun and remember to believe in your every contribution!
Please feel free to go to http://tutormentorconnection.com to discuss this article.
Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for Tutor/Mentor Connection and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other mentoring articles can be found on her blog column at http://www.simplyputtogether.com.
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